Posts for category ‘The Fun Side Of Life’

This is Part 4.
Here is Part 1
Here is Part 2
Here is Part 3

I ended part 3 with the question, “who do I want to be?” Simple. I want to be Bat Man. I always have. Problem solved!

OK, obviously I’m still going to be me. The question, “who do I want to be?” is not designed to get me to think of who else I want to try to be like. The question is designed to get me thinking of how to go about being my best self. It’s supposed to make me think of the qualities I want to embody and the physical manifestations of those qualities. At least that’s how I think of it!

And I could be “different” people at different times. I might bring different qualities to say the time I spend with our son vs. time I spend booking gigs. But answering the question, “who do I want to be?” before I approach either situation puts me in a much better place than if I just jump in unconsciously or worse yet, look at these things as just tasks to be crossed off a list.

The other great thing about that question is that it demands that I be totally present in whatever it is that I’m doing and that’s something that for me, rarely happens when I’m in my DOING mode!

But even asking and trying to answer the question, “who do I want to be?” can seem like a chore if I’m in a bad mood or really stuck in my DOING mindset. So I came up with a companion question that to me, is even more motivating. I based this new song and this video on that question:

In My Son’s Eyes from mattwahl on Vimeo.

Thanks For Being Here!
Matt

Related Articles:
Which Is More Important? Part 1
Which Is More Important? Part 2
Which Is More Important? Part 3

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This is Part 3.
Here is Part 1
Here is Part 2

When we last left off, our widgeteer was pondering his three choices:

1) keep pursuing his widget business as is even though it often makes him miserable.
2) give up his widget business even though it’s been a dream of his for so long and there are still many aspects of being a widgeteer that bring him pleasure.
3) find a way to continue the widget business and be happy!

Luckily, our widgeteer has discovered a very important truth: if you want to be happy doing something you need to first be happy!

He knows now that he cannot keep plowing ahead, hating the process and hope for a happy ending.

In part 2 I suggested that there might be a hybrid choice, a combination of options 2 and 3. Option 2, giving up, sounds like the quitters way out but it can be healthy sometimes to give up! It might be better to say “letting go” instead of “giving up.” If there is something in your life that makes you miserable you can keep that thing in your life and work hard to change the way you feel about it. But if you can’t change the way you feel and that thing makes you miserable, it might be best to let it go.

I did this several years ago with the news. I don’t watch or listen to any news at all. I haven’t for years and it feels great! I used to feel some sort of sense of obligation to be an informed citizen but it got to the point where it was either watch/listen to the news or feel good. I decided to feel good! I’m not totally oblivious to what goes on in the world. If I hear about something that piques my interest, I’ll look it up on line and read about it but I’m not going to spend my time ingesting information that makes me feel bad. It’s just not worth it!

What we are really talking about here is being selfish. That word gets such a bad rap when we are kids. But it’s important to be selfish about the way you feel. If there are things in your life that make you miserable you have the same three choices as the widgeteer: 1) keep those things in your life, 2) let them go, 3) find a way to be happy with those things in your life.

Your not doing anyone any good when you are miserable. Not yourself, your loved ones, strangers you encounter, tasks you try to complete, etc. No matter where you are or what you are doing, you bring yourself along. I would argue that it is better to be selfish about how you feel and then bring a cheerful, happy person with you everywhere you go than to keep a bunch of stuff in your life that makes you miserable out of some sense of obligation.

With all that in mind, the widgeteer would be best off doing options 2 and 3. Find the aspects of his business that no longer bring him pleasure and to the extent that he can, let them go. Keep whittling it down until he is left with a widget business that feels good. Even if that means starting over! He would be bringing more to the world with his skills as a widgeteer by starting completely over with a business that thrills him than he would carrying on with something that makes him miserable out of fear of loosing the little ground he has gained.

It might be sort of obvious that the widgeteer is not totally fictional or hypothetical. A lot of what I typed is based on my career as a musician. The story of the widgeteer in part 1 is a much more dramatic but there are aspects of that story that are true. And the problems I described came about because of the simple fact that I was focused on doing and not on being.

It’s so easy to let that happen. Take getting in shape for instance. When I decide that I don’t like that way that I look or feel and I decide I’m going to do something about it I make a list. I’m going to do the following exercises on the following days. I’m going to eat these certain foods for these specific meals on these specific days. I make a plan and then I do my plan. But like I said before, wherever I go and whatever I do I take myself along. If I’m miserable all the while I’m trying to follow my plan eventually it will be difficult if not impossible to stick with it.

I made the same mistake with my musical career. I had big dreams and great things that I wanted to accomplish. I didn’t know exactly how to go about making these things happen but when I quit my full time job I did anything and everything I could to try to move in the direction of those dreams. The mistakes I made where that I never got clear about what I really wanted and I never payed any attention to how the things I was doing made me feel.

It’s not hard to notice how something makes you feel. It’s pretty easy if you are paying attention. But you have to pay attention! Once I got going with my music I was so focused on trying to do all the things I thought I needed to do that I never payed any attention to how I was feeling or who I was being. Frankly, I didn’t think it really mattered. I figured if I could just do enough I would eventually get to where I wanted to be. I forgot that if I want to be happy doing something I have to first be happy! So I put my happiness aside and spent years plowing through tasks thinking that once I made enough money, had enough fans, sold enough CDs, played big enough venues, etc. etc. then I would be happy.

Just like the cross country move or the long drive I described in part 1 I thought that if I could just get through some of the “hard” stuff I would eventually get to the fun stuff. But the fun stuff never showed up. Because of the DOING mindset I had adopted I turned everything into just another task to be suffered through on the way to what I figured would eventually be good. And the worst part about living that way is all the great things I miss on the journey. Sure I’ve had to stay in a tent when it’s snowed and I’ve had to drive 20 hours straight and I’ve had to play places I didn’t really want to play and listen to people yell requests that I REALLY didn’t want to play (or hear yelled) but there’s been tons of great things too. I’ve met so many wonderful people and I’ve gotten to travel to great places and for 10 years I’ve gotten to play the guitar and sing for a living!

Those are all great things but for some reason, those are the things that are easily over looked when I’m in my DOING mindset. So the key is to figure out who I want to be and how I want to feel and then bring that person and those feelings along to everything I do. And after doing that, if there are still aspects of my music business that drive me nuts, I need to let those go.

So who do I want to be?

More to come!

Matt

Here is Part 4!

Related Articles:
Which Is More Important? Part 1
Which Is More Important? Part 2

This is Part 2. Here is Part 1

Where we left off last time our widgeteer had a tough choice. From the outside looking in it’s easy to say, “just sell your widgets and be happy.” But that is easier said than done. Have you ever gotten yourself stuck in a place mentally about a certain subject, person, task, etc. and no matter how hard you try, every time you are faced with that subject, person, task, etc. you go right back to that same mental place and right back to all the emotions that come with it? I know I certainly have!

Our widgeteer basically has three choices:

1) continue on as is hoping life and the widget business somehow improve.
2) give up the widget business and the dreams that go with it.
3) find a way to be happy AND be a widgeteer.

None of these are easy choices. Let’s look at them in more detail.

Choice 1: things are probably not going to improve. I’m a big believer in the Law of Attraction. “What you think about you bring about.” If the widgeteer is constantly focused on how badly the business is going he is only going to bring more of that into his life. How much more time does he want to spend being miserable hoping for a happy ending?

Choice 2: this could certainly seem tempting. There could be a great deal of relief and freedom for our widgeteer by simply letting go. But this has been a dream of his for a long time and it’s not easy to let go of a dream. And for all the misery this widget business brings, it still brings many, many happy moments too. The widgeteer is never happier or more “at home” than when he is actually in the act of selling widgets. The misery comes from all the screwing around that goes into the planning, the set up, the travel etc. So to give up the misery also means giving up the pleasure.

Choice 3: Ah! The best choice! But also the hardest. Especially with something as important to the widgeteer as his widget business. When something is a huge part of our lives, it’s easy to develop what some people call an “emotional set point.” What that means is basically, when you are faced with a certain subject, person, task, etc, you jump right back to your set point. The best example of this is someone that you have to deal with on a regular basis. I know that I often find myself slipping right into my standard set point for a particular person.

When I have a set point, I can avoid it for a while. I can put myself in a vacuum and stay away from people, situations, etc. that trigger my set point. I can stay conscious of how I really want to feel and guard against slipping into my “usual” emotions. But all it takes is one thing in an unguarded moment and I’m right back there.

In the case of our widgeteer he could do his thing for a while and avoid the aspects of the business that cause him pain but what happens when he gets that next rejection? What happens when the roster of wigeteers for the next big widget event comes out and he’s not on it? What happens when a fellow widgeteer puts together a big widget event and he’s not included? He’ll be right back to feeling the pain of his struggle!

Maybe there’s another way. Maybe there is a hybrid choice, a combination between choice 2 and 3 that is the perfect answer. Maybe there is a way to give up the aspects of his widget business that cause pain and keep the parts that are pleasurable. More on this later!

In the case of the widgeteer, pain is caused by two things 1) comparison and 2) lack which is really only one thing: focus! If you have a dream, some deep, burning passion, chances are really good that when you are by yourself doing what you are passionate about you feel great. The trouble comes when you try to share your passion with others. If you compare yourself to others who seem to be having more success than you and constantly look at, think about, talk about how your life, career, etc. is lacking you will be miserable. If you can take your focus off of the others and off of what you think is lacking you can get back to the pleasurable parts of chasing your dream.

That brings up the most important distinction: who you are being vs. what you are doing!

The widgeteer has got it backwards. The widgeteer is focused on DOING (making and selling his widgets) and then hoping that through his DOING he will cause others to DO something (heap love and praise on him for his widgets) and then he can BE happy. It’s never going to happen!

This is going to sound pretty simple but it’s so important: you can’t be happy doing something without first being happy! If you are only focused on what you are doing and hoping that in doing that something, it will eventually bring you happiness, you’ve got it backwards!

I think when you decide to try and make a living with a passion the whole thing crumbles when you need people to behave a certain way in order for you to be happy.

It’s easy to let that happen. If you try to make your living doing something creative, writing, painting, building, sculpting, singing, etc. you need people to react in a certain way. You need enough people to like, appreciate, approve of you and/or your product in order to continue doing what you love for a living. If you don’t get those reactions from enough people you are out of business!

But it’s a slippery slope and the danger occurs when you move away from doing your passion because it’s something you love, because it’s an expression of your soul and began to do what you do for the reaction you hope to get. Once you start chasing the behavior you think you need from others the misery begins!

There is no way you can win! Part of what draws people to creative things like music, dance, art and widgets is the passion they feel coming from the individual who is creating those works. Once the creative person feels like they NEED the approval, acceptance, love, admiration, etc. from others for the work they do that passion erodes and it is replaced by a palpable desperation. This is certainly the case with our widgeteer. The widgets may still be created and built with passion but one he enters the arena of selling his widgets his passion is gone as he desperately seeks out the admiration, respect and approval that he thinks he needs to create the career and life he’s dreamed about.

The irony is that the more the widgeteer seeks this approval the more he drives away the very people he was hoping to please. He gives off a vibe and people can feel it. They can sense and feel his lack of passion. He is rarely present, he doesn’t seem to enjoy what he is doing in the moment, it seems he is always thinking of the next thing. People can sense that instead of enjoying what he is doing he is focused on the lack. The more people can feel this from him the less they offer the behavior the widgeteer needs to feel good about himself and his widget business. Thus he tries harder to please and at the same time becomes more upset and frustrated about his widgets, his business and his life.

This cycle continues and creates a downward spiral until the widgeteer wakes up one day and realizes that he has somehow turned his dream, his love, his passion into something that makes him miserable! But there is hope!

Realizing that something you do makes you miserable is the first step to figuring out why and from there you can figure out how to change it. Which brings our widgeteer back to his three choices: 1) keep going as is 2) give up or 3) find a way to be happy and keep going.

More to come!

Matt

Here is Part 3!

Related Articles: Which Is More Important Part 1

I’ve been pondering this question for a couple of days: Which is more important, doing some particular thing or being happy? It seems like an easy question but the more I think about it the more complex it gets. The easy answer is to say, “both!” Do that particular thing AND be happy. That is always an option in theory but sometimes tough to do in practice.

Sometimes there are things that are just downright unpleasant to do but you know the discomfort of the task is temporary so you put off your happiness, suffer through it and get it done. Moving is a good example for me. It’s a pain, there are boxes and things everywhere, it’s a ton of work, most of it is no fun but after a few days and some suffering, it’s over.

The same is true with the last few hours of a really long drive. I’m tired, over-caffeinated, my back hurts and I just want to get home! I know that if I can just make through the next few hours I’ll be home and that thought makes it easier to get through the suffering and get the unpleasant task over with.

But what if the particular thing your doing isn’t something like moving or driving, both which are usually over in a relatively short period of time. What if the task is a decade long or life long project? Then which is more important, the task or the happiness?

Let’s say you are an inventor and stealing from every Econ course I ever took, you have an idea for a widget. (not the Apple computer Widgets but a nameless, unidentified product used as an example) And let’s say that you feel like this widget is a reflection of your personality, a piece of your soul, so to speak and you truly believe, in your heart of hearts that if people would be exposed to your widget (get your mind out of the gutter!) it would enhance and improve their lives. And while we are saying things, let’s also say that this widget is sort of a work in progress. It’s not a concrete item that you would produce once and be done with it. It’s something that you continue to develop, tweak, modify, pour your life into and hopefully improve upon. You have a widget that you can take and show people but you are constantly reinventing it and coming up with slightly different widgets hoping all the while that the constant improvement and reinvention will pay off.

For years you’ve dreamed about getting this widget to as many people as possible hoping that the widget will add massive value to their lives. For 15 years you’ve loaded up your car and driven thousands of miles with your widgets. You’ve traveled by airplane and by boat. You’ve sold widgets from the back of your car, you’ve sold widgets at trade shows, shopping malls, coffee shops, bookstores, bars and restaurants, colleges, festivals, you’ve sold widgets on the street in the baking sun, the pouring rain, the bitter cold all the while clinging to the belief that your widgets will enrich the lives of the masses.

When you first started dreaming of creating and selling widgets the dream was a dream of pure joy. You were ready for the challenge. No drive was too long, no challenge was too tough! You looked at the widget business with an attitude of fun. You knew there were no guarantees, everyone said the widget business was a tough business but you were undaunted. You had faith that it would work out and you looked forward to the process, the journey and you truly believed that even if you only sold one widget to one person and that person smiled and told you it changed their life, it would be worth everything you had poured into your dream. You dreamed the dream and chased the dream not only for what you thought could be a glorious end result, but for the fun you’d have along the way.

But as the years went by the miles started to add up. You found out that the widget business is a tough business. You’ve met many great people who care about you and really love your widgets but most people really don’t seem to care all that much. To make ends meet and to keep people happy you’ve had to sell other peoples’ widgets, widgets that maybe aren’t any better than yours but they’ve been around a long time. People know those widgets, they like the familiarity of widgets they know. When you are out selling widgets you hope people will ask for one of your widgets but often they don’t. They ask for the same tired old widgets that have been around forever, the same ones everyone else is selling. Especially that one f@#$%ing widget that people yell out every five minutes and think it’s the funniest damn thing in the world.

Each time someone tells you “no.” Your faith crumbles just a little bit. Each time there is a big widget event and no one invites you, your faith crumbles just a little bit more. Everyone told you that there would be a lot of rejection and heartbreak in the widget business but what no one told you is that if you’re not careful, each rejection and each heartbreak gets stored somewhere and you think about them, you relive them and each time you do so, the foundation of guts and heart you had when you started crumbles just a little bit more.

Slowly, almost imperceptibly, little by little over time, your focus and your attitude have changed. Everything else about your business has gotten better and better. Your widget making equipment has improved 100 fold as has your knowledge of that equipment. Your selling techniques have been honed over years and years of experience. Your widget business should be running at peak efficiency but the two most important assets seem to be damaged beyond repair. The only two pieces of equipment you had when you started your widget business, your heart and your mind, your most valuable equipment, is ruined.

A long time ago you forgot that you knew the widget business was full of challenges. You forgot that you got into the widget business not only with a dream of being a hugely successful widgeteer (that’s a person who makes and sells widgets) but also because of the journey and the lifestyle that go along with the widget business. Because you forget these things, the journey stopped being fun a long time ago. In fact, it hasn’t felt like a journey for years. It’s felt like the last few hours of a really long drive or those arduous final days of a cross country move. Only instead of lasting a few hours like the drive or a few days like the move, this has lasted for years.

Your whole thought process has changed. All you can think about is your lack of success in the widget business. Even when you have success you never see it as success. You could spend the bulk of your summer traveling to great spots, visiting with wonderful people all while selling widgets, something you are supposed to love doing!! And instead of enjoying that time and the journey you spend most of your time focused on why you aren’t selling more widgets, you wonder why some people seem to like other widgets better than yours. You take the rejections, the rudeness, the lack of camaraderie, the ambivalence, all the negative stuff personally and let it spoil any positive aspect of life as a wigeteer.

You’ve even put on what we’ll call a widget filter. You look at every aspect of your life through this widget filter. It affects not only your widget business but your self-esteem, your health, the way you treat friends, strangers and loved ones. Your widget business has become your entire life and you view it as being a failure and 1) you can’t get yourself to think of it any other way and 2) you have pretty much become hopeless about ever finding a way to fulfill your dream of becoming a successful widgeteer.

So if you are that wigeteer, which is more important, doing a particular something (your widget business) or being happy? Let’s just say for argument’s sake that as it stands now, it’s one or the other.

It’s an interesting question. At least it is to me.

More to come on this!

Matt

Here is Part 2

For those who don’t know me at all, this might not matter but for those who have known me for a while, it may come as a surprise to find out that I have not been happy for a long, long time. I often feel guilty about my unhappiness and I try to hide it. That’s why I haven’t shared this with anyone but my wife Cynthia.

Most people would probably think I’m nuts not to be happy. I’m in good health, I have a beautiful, loving wife an absolutely adorable son, a house, a car, tons of toys and for the last 10 years I’ve made my living traveling and playing music for people. With all of the fantastic things in my life, I feel like such an ingrate for not being happy. I feel stupid sometimes. How could I not notice all of these wonderful things, enjoy these things and just be happy?

Another reason I feel guilty is because I have no sob story. I grew up in an upper-middle class family, full of love. I have never been poor. I’ve never gone hungry. I have never had to beg for money or food. I’ve never had to sleep in my car. I have never really had any physical trouble, no disease, no handicaps. I’ve never almost died or faced any real tragedy. All in all, my life has been pretty smooth sailing. But still, I haven’t been happy.

I have also felt like a bit of a fraud. I’m supposed to be a happy music guy. I write songs and play shows with the theme The Fun Side Of Life. I call my music “Fun-Loving, Sunny-Day, Acoustic Music!” How can I bring these messages to other people if I’m not living them myself? I try to live them but it has always felt like something is missing.

In the past 10 years I have read tons and tons of books on self-help, self-improvement, spirituality, health, wellness, leadership, business, etc. and listened to as many, if not more audio programs on many of the same topics. I’ve tried meditation, keeping a journal, making gratitude lists, incantations, positive thinking, tons of motivational techniques and while these things have certainly helped, I’ve never really been able to stick with them. It always felt like something was missing.

I mentioned my music a paragraph or two ago. When I was 19 years old, my sophomore year of college, I decided that I wanted to make my living as a musician. I play the guitar and the harmonica and I sing. Since that time I have pretty much devoted my life to this quest and I’ve made it work. Next month I’ll release my 6th CD of original music. I’ve played hundreds of shows in all kinds of venues. I’ve played in 20 of the 50 United States. I’ve met so many wonderful people and had so many neat opportunities all because of my music. Despite all of that, I have always felt again, like something is missing. I’ve tried playing in different markets and in different venues and while I’ve found some things that have felt good, overall I’ve always felt like I didn’t really fit in anywhere.

For years I have thought that my music should and would be the source of my happiness. I kept setting goals for myself, thinking that when I reached that goal, I would be satisfied. At first my goal was just to start playing live. Then, it was to record and release a CD. Then to quit my job and play music full time. The goals kept evolving and changing. I kept reaching the goals but each time I did, I’d set a new one and push my happiness out to my new goal. Eventually I quit setting concrete, measurable goals and proclaimed that I would be happy when I felt I had built a “successful” music career.

Well, with a soft, ever changing, undefined goal like “successful,” and with me postponing my joy until I reach that goal, it’s not hard to figure out that I was never going to be happy with this mindset. So I’ve thought about quitting. I’ve told myself that if I can’t be happy doing this, I need to give it up and move on. While this makes sense intellectually, I can’t shake the feeling that I am supposed to play music! There are songs that I have “written” for which I feel like I can take no credit. I feel like I downloaded them. It felt like the words and music came through me, not from me. It’s very powerful and hard to explain but it’s those kinds of things that make me feel like I am here to play music, to write songs and share them with the world. But if that is the case, then why has this been so hard? Why I have I felt so out of place? Why haven’t I attracted the “success” I thought should come to me if this is my calling?

In Hamlet, William Shakespeare wrote, “To thine own self be true.” And in that quote lies the cure to my unhappiness.

About 5 years ago I had the realization that I wanted to give people more than just my music. I wanted to create something that would be based on my music but that would be bigger than my music. From this realization came the Fun Side Of Life. The Fun Side Of Life is a state of mind. It’s a way to live where we look at life as an adventure, we stay children at heart, we find a way to use our gifts and talents to serve and make the world a better place, we laugh and love and enjoy ourselves as much as possible every day. These are the themes that run through my songs and this is what I need to share with the world.

I’ve had this idea for 5 years and with each year that’s passed I’ve written more songs based on these themes. I’ve developed and honed my ideas and my messages about The Fun Side Of Life but I kept it all to myself. Sure I’ve played the songs and maybe hinted at the messages but I’ve been scared to do more. I kept hoping I wouldn’t have to put myself out there. I kept hoping that I could play these songs in loud, crowded, smokey bars and people would know what I was trying to say without me having to step right out and say it. I’ve been afraid to try something new and different. I’ve been afraid that the people who like my music wouldn’t like it any more. I’ve been afraid that people who have never heard me wouldn’t like it or would make fun of me so I kept it hidden.

I’ve written articles I never shared, blog posts I never posted, had dreams of making a difference with these messages of joy and fun and yet I held them all back, scared to do more.

I decided I can’t hold back anymore! Last week I started making videos of my songs with my messages and posting them on a YouTube channel. I started a Twitter site and I’m committed to only posting messages and quotes that really add value to people’s lives. I started this blog and there’s a lot more to come. And the funny thing is, once I decided to do this and I started to take action, I felt an incredible sense of peace. I feel whole and aligned. But that’s not to say I’m not scared. I have no idea how this will all work. I don’t know who will listen or where I’ll perform and a lot of doubt keeps creeping in but overall, I still feel at ease, like I found that missing piece.

I believe my unhappiness was the universe telling me that I was holding back. I believe that my unhappiness was the universe telling me that my ideas about The Fun Side Of Life aren’t going to go away and my desire to share these messages isn’t going to go away and as long as I’m denying the world this information and as long as I’m denying myself the gift of giving this information, I’m going to feel this unhappiness. I’m going to feel like something is missing.

In his book Personal Development For Smart People, Steve Pavlina says that a person is either a contributor or a mooch. He leaves no gray area, you are either one or the other. I have been a mooch! It was my dream to play music and I thought working toward that dream was enough. I didn’t want to be brave, I didn’t want to put myself out there and do anything that might seem different, that might put people off, cause people to not like me or make fun of me. So I wrote my songs, played my songs and expected the world to give me everything I wanted! It doesn’t work that way and I’m sorry for being a mooch.

My happiness won’t come from a bunch of fans, huge shows, tons of money, fame, status, etc. It comes from being true to myself, from giving and sharing, not just some of my gifts but all of them. It will come from the decision to stop holding back, from the decision to finally stop being afraid, stop being a mooch and to really start giving!

So the question is, what are you holding back? What have you dreamed about doing? What calling do you feel deep in your soul that you haven’t shared with the world? If you feel like something is missing and you’ve tried to fill that void with work, new possessions, TV shows, video games, food, booze, etc. and nothing has worked, maybe the world is telling you that we are ready to hear your voice. We want to hear what you have to say and not just some of it, all of it!

Thanks for reading!
Matt

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